MRE Date, supposedly true

For those of you that have ever eaten nothing but MREs for atleast a week straight should be able to relate to this.

GOTTA LOVE THE MILITARY
>>
>> MRE dinner date, the following is a
>> true story....told from the point of view of a young enlistee.
>>
>> I had a date the other night at my
>> place. On the phone the day before, the girl
>> asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
>>
>> After many minutes of scratching my
>> head over what to make, I finally settled on
>> something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
>>
>> I got out my trusty case of MRE's.
>> Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when
>> eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
>>
>> I took three of the Ham Slices out of
>> their plastic packets, took out three of the
>> Pork Chops, three packets of
>> Chicken-a-la-king, and eight packets of
>> dehydrated butter noodles and some
>> dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham
>> Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
>>
>> In another pot, I blended the Chicken
>> a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make
>> a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
>> succotash. I added some spices, and blended
>> everything together in a glass pan that I then
>> cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
>>
>> When I took it out, it looked like,
>> well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of
>> yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in
>> the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added
>> some green sprinkly things from one of my
>> spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy
right?)
>>
>> For dessert, I took four MRE Pound
>> Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
>> cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some
>> water. I heated it up and stirred it until it
>> looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
>> xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
>>
>> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest
>> of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes,
>> they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
>> Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the
>> Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
>> "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I
>> swear, the packet says that). It looked like
>> an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that
>> was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).
>>
>> I lit two candles, put a vase of
>> wildflowers in the middle, and set the table
>> with my best set of Ralph Lauren
>> Academy-series China (that shit is
>> EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost
>> me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and
>> put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
>>
>> She came over, and I had some
>> appetizers already made, of MRE
>> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
>> She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
>>
>> We dug in, and she was loving the
>> food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
>> how long it took me to make it, and kept
>> remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two
>> about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
>> at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
>> after she tried it I guess she liked it
>> because she drank four glasses during dinner.
>>
>> At the end of the main course, when I
>> served the dessert, she squealed with delight
>> at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
>>
>> Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup
>>
>> Later on, as we were watching a movie,
>> she excused herself to use my rest room. While
>> she was in there, I heard her say softly to
>> herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite
>> fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
>>
>> Let the games begin.
>>
>> She sprayed about half a can of air
>> freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
>> scent. Yup. The military even makes
>> smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained
look.
>>
>> After 10 more minutes she excused
>> herself again, and retreated to the bathroom
>> for the second time, I could hear her say
>> "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she
>> again send flatulent shockwaves into the
>> porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda
>> wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
>> employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
>>
>> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly
>> as she decides to sit on the chair instead of
>> next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled
>> up to her chest, kind of rocking back and
>> forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
>> ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
>> the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
>>
>> I turned the movie up because I didn't
>> want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my
cheeks.
>>
>> She came out with a slightly gray
>> pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
>> sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I
>> am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep
>> running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
>> Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
>>
>> Later on, she asked me again what I
>> had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed
>> it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
>> and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
>>
>> After explaining to her that she had
>> eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Military
>> Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked
>> at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
>> calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
>>
>> After I rogered, she grabbed her coat
>> and keys, and took off without a word.
>>
>> She called me yesterday. Seems she
>> couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally
>> did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
>> smell it from down the hall. She also told me
>> she had been working out nonstop to combat the
>> high caloric intake, and that she never wanted
>> me to cook dinner for her again, unless she
>> was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
>>
>> It was a fun date. She laughed about
>> it eventually and said that that was the first
>> time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
>> date. She'd been so upset by it she was in
>> tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
>>
>> I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
>>
>>
>> Have a nice day